In the Evening
Jan. 11th, 2003 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skydarkIt's cold outside, I've turned on our porch lights, a string of vine twine balls over white christmas lights I leave up all year long and in the cold air they are very bright.
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hakuyama is sitting at her drawing table [a table I proudly bought her as a present the first year we where together, when I had money, it makes me happy that she sits at it and draws] and working on the next page of her online comic, The Godly and the Damned and I'm so proud of her I could bust and I will never stop plugging it.
Our dog wanders in and out with her ears down, she makes me think she is sad, but she just had her dinner, my feet are here to lie on, maybe she misses my son who is with his dad tonight.
I worry for my old cat, he seems to be better now but he is getting so wretched and thin looking, I started feeding him kitten food in the evenings in hopes he'll gain weight. He is an old cat and has had an interesting life, but if he goes I will miss him.
I want to be part of something. I've tried a few things and I haven't followed through on them, that's my bad, but I haven't found just that something I need to be part of. I'm happy, I have a great relationship, the job could be better, I live where I want too, I have a good family, why do I still feel the need to be part of a bigger whole? I use to have this anxious feeling all the time, like I was just waiting for something to happen, always waiting, wondering what was around the next corner and ready for it to come and isn't there more I should know, but it's gone away. I don't know if its good or if its bad, I had the feeling for so long I kinda miss it.
I laugh at myself because I still smoke. I still smoke and both my grandfather's died of cancer of the lung. I even try to punish myself for doing it by never smoking in the house. I stand on my porch at night in the cold in my pj's shivering so I can smoke. It's ridiculous. Why are we so weak as human beings? Why do we think we are all 10 foot tall and bullet proof? I really have to stop smoking.
I worry about the people I love and have loved for years and the ones I have only loved for months. I think sometimes if anything takes my worry away I'll be empty inside. I really don't like the thought of worry being my primary emotion, I'd rather like to think that WHEE! is my primary emotion. Then I get reminded that WHEE! isn't an emotion, go figure.
I want a new cell phone. This one sux. I have so many DVD's I need to catch up on. I have to go to the dentist and I'm putting it off. I need to lose some weight. I want to win the lotto. I want a new job.
My problems are small and I truly thank whatever creator for them being so. I am lucky and I know it.
hakuyama is sitting at her drawing table [a table I proudly bought her as a present the first year we where together, when I had money, it makes me happy that she sits at it and draws] and working on the next page of her online comic, The Godly and the Damned and I'm so proud of her I could bust and I will never stop plugging it.Our dog wanders in and out with her ears down, she makes me think she is sad, but she just had her dinner, my feet are here to lie on, maybe she misses my son who is with his dad tonight.
I worry for my old cat, he seems to be better now but he is getting so wretched and thin looking, I started feeding him kitten food in the evenings in hopes he'll gain weight. He is an old cat and has had an interesting life, but if he goes I will miss him.
I want to be part of something. I've tried a few things and I haven't followed through on them, that's my bad, but I haven't found just that something I need to be part of. I'm happy, I have a great relationship, the job could be better, I live where I want too, I have a good family, why do I still feel the need to be part of a bigger whole? I use to have this anxious feeling all the time, like I was just waiting for something to happen, always waiting, wondering what was around the next corner and ready for it to come and isn't there more I should know, but it's gone away. I don't know if its good or if its bad, I had the feeling for so long I kinda miss it.
I laugh at myself because I still smoke. I still smoke and both my grandfather's died of cancer of the lung. I even try to punish myself for doing it by never smoking in the house. I stand on my porch at night in the cold in my pj's shivering so I can smoke. It's ridiculous. Why are we so weak as human beings? Why do we think we are all 10 foot tall and bullet proof? I really have to stop smoking.
I worry about the people I love and have loved for years and the ones I have only loved for months. I think sometimes if anything takes my worry away I'll be empty inside. I really don't like the thought of worry being my primary emotion, I'd rather like to think that WHEE! is my primary emotion. Then I get reminded that WHEE! isn't an emotion, go figure.
I want a new cell phone. This one sux. I have so many DVD's I need to catch up on. I have to go to the dentist and I'm putting it off. I need to lose some weight. I want to win the lotto. I want a new job.
My problems are small and I truly thank whatever creator for them being so. I am lucky and I know it.
