And you're right, the dialogue is more in-character for Ed. Just a couple of homophone problems:
It was then the front door opened and closed quietly and the uneven gate sounded in the hall.
"gate" versus "gait" The first is used for the door-like thing; the second is how you walk. So, really, the above should have "uneven gait," if it's referring to the sound of Ed's footsteps.
...moved his mouth to illicit more cries and more thrashing.
"illicit" versus "elicit" illegal versus "to draw forth" I think you wanted "elicit" here, since Alfons is trying to draw forth more cries.
Why, yes, I *do* have the soul of a copyeditor! Great story, though.
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Still like this one...
Date: 2006-02-05 04:46 am (UTC)It was then the front door opened and closed quietly and the uneven gate sounded in the hall.
"gate" versus "gait" The first is used for the door-like thing; the second is how you walk. So, really, the above should have "uneven gait," if it's referring to the sound of Ed's footsteps.
...moved his mouth to illicit more cries and more thrashing.
"illicit" versus "elicit" illegal versus "to draw forth" I think you wanted "elicit" here, since Alfons is trying to draw forth more cries.
Why, yes, I *do* have the soul of a copyeditor! Great story, though.